Pills, and thrills, and bellyaches

Hybrid

2007-05-17T14:13:00.000-05:00

Everyone is unhappy about gas prices, which is understandable given they are very near an all time high, even if you adjust for inflation.

We need a vehicle that runs on a more cost effective fuel.

I'm pleased to announce the world's first Carmel Machiado hybrid.

Rock

2007-05-17T14:12:00.000-05:00

I was trying to understand why the BS mix station plays the Vapors nearly every day. Had I been wrong about ‘Turning Japanese? Had it been this smash hit, holding the number 1 spot for 12 weeks, and I somehow missed it? Could I have been so busy trying to finally get laid that I missed Vapor Mania? They certainly play ‘Turning Japanese’ more than Toto’s ‘Rosanna’ which was a big hit for several weeks as I recall. (this isn’t to say I really want to hear ‘Rosanna’ either, just trying to understand the criteria) What made the Vapors more worthy of airplay in 2007 than say Felony or Fruer? They were no less significant in my memory.

Time to get some answers. As it turns out The Vapors had barely troubled the top 40, Turning Japanese peaked at 36. Rosanna had only made it to number 2 in the top 40, but also did quite well in Adult Contemporary (peak # 17) and mainstream rock (peak # 8)

Ignoring for a moment the fallacy of the specialized charts, Rosanna was a much bigger hit than turning Japanese any way you slice it. So is this just another example of having our own nostalgia marketed to us in a way that we would choose to remember as opposed to what truly was? I guess this isn’t a new thing, no one ever says that during the 60’s they actually preferred Freddie and dreamers to the Beatles and Stones. What isn’t clear to me is how or why anyone would prefer Turning Japanese to whatever the real hits were?

Felony’s the Fanatic peaked at 42, and Fruer’s Doot doot didn’t bother the top 40 at all. But 10-9-8 by Face to face reached #38, and I bet you’ll never hear it on a mix station at all. I’d rather hear ‘She looks a lot like you’ by the Cars sound-alike the Clocks, if we’re going celebrate songs no one cared about.

I couldn’t help feeling a bit sorry for the lowly Vapors, they predated the phony specialized charts, so there they were stuck at 36 barely troubling the mighty top 40 at all. Had there existed a chart for fair-to-spare new wave acts, they would surely have gone top 10. Let’s face it, all these ‘modern rock’ or “mainstream rock’ charts are simply designed to pad the stats of average acts, and get more of them into the charts… any charts. If they made a top 40 of blogs I wouldn’t get a sniff, but what if it were a top 40 of blogs called ‘pills thrills and bellyaches? Suddenly I’m #27 with a bullet.

Billboard stats provided by allmusic.com (you should visit it once in a while, and would it kill you to write?)

Arctic Monkeys

2007-04-26T17:24:00.001-05:00

Arctic Monkeys
Arctic Monkeys!

eff you, wanna buy me flowers

2007-02-27T17:28:00.001-06:00

Do you ever consider that each time you hear a horrible song from yesteryear, the offending artist gets money? So not only do the Spin Doctors ruin my day, but they actually get ASCAP money for it. All because these bs mix stations have zero imagination, much like the acts they play.

I’d much rather hear Palisades park as written by the great Chuck Barris, that would be a win-win.

Run to the hills

2007-02-26T17:24:00.001-06:00

Remember the tape cases with the holes?

Back in the day if you looked at Iron Maiden tapes at a place like K-mart, they would be stored in a big enclosed case with glory holes cut into the clear plastic doors. The hole allowed you to reach inside and handle any of the tapes, but they couldn’t be removed through the hole. This way we were unable to steal, but could still read the track listing without sales associate help. Never mind that we looked like hazmat handlers with both arms stuffed inside this fixture.

Excuse me, dude? Can you unlock the case so I can get ‘Maiden Japan’ out?

This pre-dated the longbox which I also hated. Nowadays they just stick security tags everywhere, and if it jacks up the artwork oh well. At any rate I can download and burn a cd from Itunes faster and cheaper than brick and mortar anyway. Not as much fun though is it?

Of course I remember when you could buy a gun AND ammunition at Kmart with no waiting period, or background check. Is it strange that you could load a gun more easily than steal an Iron maiden Cassette or 8-track?

Listening to the old phongraph

2007-02-23T15:19:00.001-06:00

American idol needs a shot of youth. The show is ostensibly a young show, so why do all the kids sing their grandparent’s record collection. These are young kids who want to be pop stars, but insist on performing the Big Chill soundtrack year after year. Never mind how small you can sound trying to sing Aretha, it’s not exactly topical. A guy sang a 4 year old Keane song the other night, and he may as well have walked on water. What on earth makes an 18 year old think Celine Dion is cool? The sound of Jack Black from High Fidelity rings in my head ‘she can’t like that!

Imagine if you had a succession of stand up comics all doing Ethel Merman, Jimmy Stewart, and James Cagney in their act.

Later this year the idol contestants will team up with Gwen Stefani among others.

Gwen-‘well for starters, I look really hot, can you do that?

Behind the music

2007-01-19T17:58:00.000-06:00

I flipped by VH1 long enough to learn that the dude from the Crash Test Dummies was nearly killed in a car accident, in the years after their one hit. Ironic innit?

In an unrelated story my band has changed our name to Handjobs from Hotties

2006-12-18T19:32:00.000-06:00

dick in a box (better quality)

2006-12-07T19:10:00.000-06:00

David Carletta at Bill's Records

2006-10-16T19:05:00.000-05:00

Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama

actual photo not an agency

2006-09-15T16:30:00.000-05:00

If I’m going in for a therapeutic deep tissue massage, why is it important to know that the photo is an ‘actual photo, not an agency? I think I will need a very different kind of tissue in this type place. In fact the statement ‘actual photo’ is funny to me anyway. I didn’t think it was an oil painting, or a mirage. Wouldn’t it be better to say something like ‘this is an actual photograph of me, and not some porn model’

Meetings mean different things to different coworkers.

For some it’s Star time, time to show how great you are. And now all the way from accounting, please put your hands together…

For others it’s snack time, a time to get a drink and a donut. Havin’ some food, learning about history-Fast times at Ridgemont high

For me it’s nap time.

The worst part of any meeting for me is when we are asked to give ourselves a round of applause. Wait, I’m clapping for me? This makes me uncomfortable, I mean if the goal is for me to reward me, can’t I just give myself a handjob later? It’s less embarrassing.

The first thing to go out on a mouse is the lateral movement, and yeah I already took the ball out and dumped out all the gunk. Sad fact is, this mouse has lost a step.

In July of 08 it will no longer be legal to use a handset cell phone while driving in California, good thing I always have a driver when I’m in Hollywood. What civil liberty will next fall? Road head? Where will the injustice end?

Work tip # 563

Don’t put any gossip in writing, email gets forwarded..things break down. You can always claim you were misquoted at a bar, but when they see your email, well…even I can’t wriggle out of that one. Let’s be careful out there people.

Classic Rupert Holmes song writing

2006-08-03T17:33:00.000-05:00

It goes like this;
Website effs up order
You search the help section for the solution to your specific situation, but alas it’s not there.
You click contact us and send an email
You get an immediate email explaining that they got your email and will respond in 24-48 hrs
The next day you get a generic email directing you to the help section on the website
You realize you have become a Ziggy cartoon
You go insane

Hey watch makers!
I need to be able to change my own battery…dig? Paying $21 to get a new battery put in an $80 watch is straight up BS. It’s a natural fact.

Sometimes it goes like this;
GNC sends me a coupon in the mail
I find the offer attractive
I go to the store where I originally signed up
They explain uh, yeah we’re not gonna have that at this location, you’re gonna need to go ahead and go to the mall location
I feel the bitter taste of betrayal, consumer betrayal

It’s fun to do your own Mystery science theatre gags. I was watching Them the sci fi movie from the 50’s, where giant fake ants attack. Everyone smokes the whole time, and they have these meetings in Washington where lots of Army brass gather around a conference table.,and they all have their own ashtrays. It’s funny to imagine them saying ‘we’re going to need a lot more cigarettes, if we are gonna stop these creatures’

Or not.

I have the biggest afro cause I'm the frickin drummer

2006-07-12T10:49:00.000-05:00

The same summer I spent everyday checking the mail box for my free mail offer Boba Fett, I was listening to some 8 tracks.

Scorpions Animal Magnetism
Rush Moving Pictures
Knack Get the knack
REO Speedwagon Hi Infidelity
Cars Candy-O
Boston Don’t look back

All later rockin’ my 8 track player, and later my 78 Cougar. I’d roll back the moon roof, and crank up the Scorpions dude.

Remember the Mr. Microphone commercial? ‘hey good looking we’ll be back to pick you up later’ I always knew that was lame line, even in grade school I could tell that the way to a woman’s heart was not shouting about picking her up through a car stereo as you drove by…just instinct I guess.

We were raised on Ronco, the thing that cut bottles into fine drinking glasses (turn that Lowenbrau into finery) the record vac, pocket fisherman..and all those great records ( I still have a bunch that Siva gave me) In fact the drinking glass was a huge player in my youth, every restaurant was always giving away collectable drinking glasses….weird. For a while we had all manner of Star wars glasses in the cupboard.

Man that’s how you know you’ve lost relevance, when you go around singing songs no one remembers. Like when my grandpa would sing Stormy weather, or a Phillip Morris jingle, we would all have this question mark for over our heads. I’ve become that guy, only instead of stormy weather, I sing the Ronald McDonald doll theme, or the Starland vocal band…advantage grandpa.

‘look who’s here it’s Ronald McDonald
a clown so dear..Ronald MacDonald
Ronald is fun
And with him you can clown around
Ronald MacDonald…most toy stores
Ronald MacDonald…

I rented that Ultraviolet movie from Netflix..uh not my bag buddy. Sure you can stare at Mila in half shirts and those eyes are great, but the flick is overly stylized, and corny. It all looks like a rock video or updated Tron. I kept half expecting to see Korn come out of the mist.

Oh well eff it man, let’s listen to the Escorpions!!!!!

turns out death isn't too good for him

2006-07-05T18:49:00.000-05:00

I truly hate it when an address has a number letter combo.

For example;

1200 ridge view # H

#H?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Number fucking H!

3 words;

Sesame street bitches!

You would think after I’ve mused on this very blog that Ken Lay deserved death, I would feel bad now that he’s dead…..meh not so much.

I got sunburned waiting for the jets to land

2006-07-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

When I try to respond to your comments, my space says I can’t respond because I’m not my friend or something. Oh well, it keeps me from feeling like I need to get in the last word anyway.

I’m turning my back on spray on sunscreen, I can’t seem to get it in the right concentration, and I end up with lots of red patches and stripes.

I need to start more sentences with the word lo. Lo, FC Dallas were rubbish once again.

I saw the Superman movie this weekend, and for me it was just aiight dog. I read they spent a lot of time on the set fussing over his package. Package mgmt was a big player, see they didn’t want his weenie to be noticeable either way. The didn’t want him to look like John Holmes, but on the other hand they didn’t want him to be noticeably well un-super.

Look in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a camel toe! The end result? Well he’s kinda Malibu Ken. Guess Supes is more of a grower than a shower, and to this I can relate. I’m telling you it’s hard to watch that movie and not think about the cod piece.

Thanks to Russell for finding this feel good story

2006-06-30T10:59:00.000-05:00

Nicky-Dude, check it out I’m gonna make a skull bong
Friend-You for real? What you gonna make it out of?
Nicky-Skull….

Teen Who Cut Off Corpse's Head To Make Bong Sentenced

POSTED: 11:52 am CDT June 29, 2006

ST. JOHNSBURY, Vt. -- A Vermont teenager has been sentenced to prison for breaking into a tomb and cutting the head off a corpse.

Nickolas Buckalew, 18, of Morrisville, Vt., pleaded guilty to two charges.

One was a felony count of intentionally removing or injuring a tombstone.
The other was a felony charge of intentionally disinterring and carrying away the remains of a human body.

Buckalew was sentenced to between one and seven years in prison and was given credit for serving 14 months while awaiting trial.

On April 8, 2005, Buckalew broke into a tomb, opened the lid of a casket and cut off the head of a corpse. He stole eyeglasses and a bow tie from the dead man. He then wrapped the head in plastic bags and took it home, The Caledonian-Record reported.

The teen reportedly told friends that he planned to leave the head outside to dry and would then bleach it, a police affidavit said. The witnesses said his plan was to turn the skull into a bong -- a pipe generally used to smoke marijuana. Buckalew went to an apartment where some of his friends were and told them that he had chopped off the head because he was bored, according to The Caledonian-Record.

The witnesses said they then went to the tomb to see the casket and saw that the lid was removed and the body in the casket was headless.

Morristown said that while executing a search warrant at Buckalew's home, they found a human head wrapped in bags, a necktie, a hacksaw, crowbar, garden trowel and two small parts of the damaged casket, according to the newspaper.

A psychiatrist has diagnosed Buckalew with mental health issues.

Dr. Philip Kinsler, a clinical psychologist and adjunct assistant professor of psychiatry at the Dartmouth Medical School in Hanover, N.H., testified that Buckalew "has always felt extraordinarily out of place" and that Buckalew said he tried to hang himself when he was a child.

After the incident, the victim's widow, the only family member in the area, was told of the vandalism.

"The widow was in shock," the chief of police said said. "She did not want any information. She did not want to know any details."

Buckalew addressed the court after his sentencing, saying, "It was a horrendous thing that I did -- what I did was appalling. I didn't think of the victim."

He went on to say he wants to get help for his mental problems.

He's been sent to a residential treatment program for juveniles.

Friday night lights

2006-06-23T21:58:00.000-05:00

Do you have senior moments yet? I do boy howdy, this morning I did a fine job conditioning my face before I realized it's supposed to be on my hair. It felt great and if I didn't live in mortal fear of the zit, I think I might've gone with it.

Ever go in a club and think where everybody at? Well this playa was getting his hair did on Friday night, don't hate. Whilst waiting for the finest haircut $11.95 can buy I realized I had violated one of my oldest and most trusted rules. Always have reading material with you! Especially when you are likely to be waiting. Turns out I'm not the only Friday night success story waiting to pimp my look, and these suitcase pimps got here first. Sitting down I decide to tough it out, here's a coverless mag, looks like maybe People or Style etc. I pick it up and begin to flip through it, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman, flip Rascal Flatts, flip Dixie Chicks, flip Kenny Fucking Rogers!!! Why is this style mag so hayseed?! I look down in the lower corner where it says Country Weekly. Prior to this moment I had no idea such a mag existed, and now here I was holding it.

After my erm stylist was done working her magic, I walked over to the bookstore for a look around. New releases by business people everywhere. Not sure who buys these business books From the bunker to the boardroom-how I became CFO of a fortune five-o without missing a tee time by Chip Chazz. I have a feeling the successful business men didn't spend a lot of time reading dull books about business, they were busy making money. Undeterred I press on, here's a Playboy book what's up..oh it's the interviews, pity I've already read the articles over the years, I was finally ready for some pics.

I've finally smartened up and stopped buying every magazine that said how to have rock hard abs on the cover, here's a hint, it involves eating nothing but plain yogurt and doing sit ups til you puke plain yogurt.

Luckily I found my way to the graphic novels and Eastern religion sections soon enough.
Home by 9, livin' the dream, hard as hell like LL.

It's like I told you

2006-06-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

Dear corporate America

If you are going to play hit songs of yesteryear on hold, don’t interrupt them over and over.

I call in;

Thanks you for calling Dingus LLP all of our representatives are busy please hold and the next available operator will answer.

It’s like I told you
only the lonely

Abrupt interruption!

Please continue to hold your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Only the lonely
Only the lone…leee

Ring ring

If you are going to let me hear the Motels while I’m on hold fine, let me hear it. If you are going to give me 3 second snippets of the song only to interrupt and remind me that I’m holding..wtf?

Yeah I know I’m holding fuck face, that’s why I’m singing ‘only the lonely’ by the Motels. If the music is nothing more than respite from your oh-so-on-message message, than use generic new age music. That way your repeated interruptions don’t break up the flow.

I think the problem is me, I’d rather listen to some spare Motels, or hell even Quarterflash all day than have you actually pick up the line. I wonder if I could work an 8 hour day on hold. What’s up with Robert? Dunno on an important call.

Ho ho ho it’s magic
ya know
gotta believe it’s not so
magic

Yeah sounds real important.

the fog of bs

2006-06-21T17:55:00.000-05:00

Don’t fight it.

If you ever ask me to do anything, or wonder why I don’t ask you, remember you are up against OCD, and OCD usually wins out. I fight OCD and OCD always wins..sing it with me.

Where have I seen this guy.

Do you hate it when you recognize actors in commercials from other commercials? Hey that Sonic smart ass guy works at Midas, or man the Oh face guy is going to a wedding, I wonder if those are the same buddies he goes to Fridays with.

Axe man.

I got a free sample of Axe body wash, and I have to say not that bad..who knows maybe I’m an Axe man after all.

Moon and sand.

Do they still make Moonshine? Or has it been replaced by Meth? Is it still illegal?

Chef Douche.

In my early teens I would cook the most foul food concoctions. Pork and Beans are nothing without a few Bacos thrown in there, bbq sauce and why not minced onions. The results were mixed.

Happiness is easy.

I will never make you happy, and you certainly won’t make me happy. I think it’s a mistake to think someone will make you happy, or that you can do it for someone else. Face it we are all miserable bastards, and if we’re lucky we make each other less miserable.

In it’s right place

Everyone wants to sound like Radiohead but Radiohead.

Juke box in the corner is blasting out my favorite song the nights are getting warmer it won't be long, won't be long til the summer comes

2006-05-31T10:29:00.000-05:00

Low budget advice volume whatever

If coworkers go out for a drink, go with them, if you can stand them, and if it’s at all possible. By going you find out who they hate and why, and you prevent yourself from being included on that list. The thing is life is exactly like high school, and will always be. Sometimes it’s better to play along.

The exception is in cases where you despise your coworkers, and the very thought of going anywhere with them brings only dread.

Kids get impatient when you go out to eat, but remember when we were kids? I would go out with my aunt, and after the meal we would sit there for another 25 minutes while she had coffee and smoked.

I always blog about the repackaging of nostalgia, but dammit I can’t help myself. I was at the pool over the weekend, and they were playing the same songs they played when I was a young man at the pool. I have fond memories tied to songs that aren’t very good. One summer I spent as much time as possible with my girl in the pool.

Drive by the Cars
If this it by Huey Lewis
What’s love got to do with it

All have a special place in my heart because of the memories they bring, not on their artistic merit. So back to the pool this weekend, these kids should be hearing current top 40 songs not my top 40 songs. You could argue that I should be happy to hear all those familiar old hits, they do tend to be better than the Ying yang twins, true but not all the top 40 is rubbish, and that’s not the point. Many of those 80’s hits were weak sauce, but some were good. I submit the current top 40 is the same way, some are good many are not. These kids are being cheated out of their own experience in a way. Imagine if the pool had played Iron Butterly, and Freddie and the dreamers when we were young, makes no sense.

Also it’s now officially easier to buy vintage rock tees than shirts of current bands. AC/DC, doors, and Hendrix shirts are at Walmart, and Target and everywhere else it seems. This is also sad in a way, on one hand I like most of those shirts and want to buy them, but on the other hand it’s all too easy. In a few years will these stores be selling Duran Duran, and Culture club tees? How many decades til you can buy your Fall out boy shirt at Walmart?

student lot

2006-05-26T17:22:00.000-05:00

I drove past my old high school today, and I felt like I should peel out, or crank War pigs just for old times sake.

Can we go ahead and proclaim the cd hanging from the rearview mirror a played out bit? I don’t mean to come down on you, but I’m thinking it has run it’s course.

Shout out to the great Desmond Decker who passed away this week.

Hey America! The Pussycat dolls are crap, each single is worse than the previous. I promise this is true, this is the cd you’ll be ashamed of owning in 6 mos.

This post has a big bag of nothing.

Memories

2006-05-25T14:49:00.000-05:00

One time I decided to spend a day at the North Texas food bank. Can’t imagine what I must’ve been thinking, some bs about being a good person or whatever. Don’t worry I so got over it. When you ‘volunteer’ at a place like this, you are mostly in the way. From the moment I arrived it was obvious that they set aside some basic tasks that I could screw up without getting in any of the real employee’s way. It was obvious in everything they did, and said that I was a tourist and was to be appeased. Take this giant vat of cans, and sort them by type into smaller bins. I was reminded of the task a small child is given when he wants to ‘help’ dad, and grandpa re-pave the driveway. It’s meaningless, harmless, but most importantly out of the way. Keep him busy for a while, he’ll get bored and move on to something else. This is exactly what people do at the food bank. You arrive all gung ho, gonna save the world one can at a time, and by 10 am. You are sweating your arse off, and you’re ready to call it a day. I just know that after we all left for the day, the employees would dump all the cans back into the big bin so tomorrow’s heroes could have something to do.

The worst part was the realization that I was no different than any other suburban douche bag who rolls up, realizes he’s contributing nothing, and then leaves by lunchtime. The workers there must’ve seen it a million times. No wonder they were less than impressed by my altruistic enthusiasum, and they weren’t terribly interested in learning my name.

Let the lameo sort some salad dressing bottles for a couple hours, and he’ll go away. I’m convinced a greater contribution can be made by staying away. If I didn’t go, they could save on administrative costs for the people who had to ‘train’ me for the 2 hours worth of work I did, they could save a fortune on liability insurance if they didn’t have to worry about tourists getting on the business end of a forklift.

Yep addition by subtraction is the way to go. This weekend I will kick back and relax in the knowledge that I’m helping by staying out of the way.

-Mother Teresa

The most average story ever told

2006-05-25T09:13:00.000-05:00

Ever get a Dear John letter via text msg? I have, and it sucks. It’s kind of like getting kicked in the balls via Western Union.

Dingdong Telegram Thump!

Too impersonal to be that painful, and too painful to be believed it was sent in such an impersonal way.

Soda contests I like;
You twist the cap, and you win another drink or whatever

Soda contests I don’t like;
You twist the cap, and you get a code you have to plug into some website. I will NEVER do this, not once…yeah I know I’m not the target demo anymore just sayin’

You know how when you’re a kid you see that a bottle has a return value of .05 in VT,CT & DE, then you start to devise a plan to make your millions on the export of empties, only to be overcome by logistical limitations, and cruel reality. Yeah..well I still do that.

Vermonty Python contains: Coffee Liquor flavored ice cream, chocolate cows, and methamphetamine

Osama says Zack not all that, tape shows

2006-05-23T17:44:00.000-05:00

Os-‘You’re Mr. Pink’
Moussaoui ‘Why can’t I be Mr. Purple’
Os-‘ Mr. Purple is on another job, you’re name is Mr. Pink!

Or maybe;

Os ‘Where’s your shine box’
Moussaoui ‘you’ve been gone a long time maybe you didn’t hear, I don’t shine shoes anymore’
Os ‘go get your F**king shine box!

Os ‘the wrong time, the wrong place, and we’re dead’
Zack ‘Wish I knew how to quit you!

Discovery

2006-05-22T18:07:00.000-05:00

When I find myself wanting to start a sentence with ‘I discovered… it’s comical. Was it really me who discovered that it’s better to watch ‘The Wire’ on dvd..is that truly a discovery I can claim?

I discovered that Ben and Jerry’s Vermonty Python is so effin great, the only way it could be better is if I discovered Eva Longoria in the container.

Back in the day I was guilty of identity crisis theft.

old school? try dead school

2006-05-19T11:12:00.000-05:00

‘Hey what year are your Jordans?

Prior to that moment I hadn’t considered how out of date I was, it’s the mid 90’s and I’m working in the indie record store on Saturdays to save for a house (what percentage of that money went to the house as opposed to buying indie records is the subject of another blog)

Yes, this 16 yr old had just innocently pointed out an obvious fact that had eluded me. I was out of style, and out of date. My Air Jordans were in fact about 9 years old, and had reached vintage status. I was Urban Outfitted without having the slightest idea.

Today I’m wearing white Chuck Taylors, and I have no idea what year they are.

Get yer biscuits in the oven and yer buns in the bed

2006-05-18T19:01:00.000-05:00

It's not the bun stupid! I don't want Cibatta, Freschada, or God forbid a pita. Stop jacking with the bun! I really think you guys are over thinking this one.

What did more damage to freedom? 9-11 or Janet's nipple? Could the Seinfeld master of your domain episode even get made today? I never bought that episode anyway, I mean what guy is gonna hold out for days...hell I may not make it through this entry......
So Janet's nipple made us recoil from innuendo and sex, but the most violent day in our history...meh not so much.

Violence? oh that's still an approved activity, these CSI shows are showing more gore all the time, and that's just the commercials.
Why is sex more offensive than violence?

So yeah enough with the tricked up buns.

letter

2006-05-18T17:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Dad,

I was disappointed to learn that I didn’t make the lacrosse team, but I made the rape team as a walk on.

Later days
Skip

People sho funny

2006-05-18T17:28:00.000-05:00

I funny thing people say is ‘yeah, no I know’

I saw a phone commercial that features scenes shot at the Top Notch burger joint in Austin, as seen in Dazed and Confused, and the stretch of road from Bottle Rocket where the car breaks down. Have you seen this? Are all the shots in this ad from movie locales? Am I crazy?

Yeah no I know

No One

2006-05-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

I mean no one plays with their balls more than me.

JUst checking if anyone reads this chit.

show yourself

2006-04-17T18:09:00.000-05:00

I don’t understand poker, not in the least. In fact I fail to see the appeal apart from getting free money. So this is coming from a position of willful and total ignorance. However that never stopped me before, so here goes.

Isn’t it lame that all the high profile poker players hide behind hats, and huge shades etc? Since much of the game is out of your control, IE the cards you are dealt. Wouldn’t the gamesmanship of it be in the reading of the other player’s faces, disguising your own intent etc. This is the origin of the term ‘poker face’ so why then must we watch these jokers wearing Halloween masks?

Doesn’t this remove a huge portion of the intrigue from these matches?

I didn’t get poker before, and I sure don’t get it now.

The $ 25,000 Pyramid

2006-04-13T17:43:00.000-05:00

Roller skates
Facial hair
Fondue
Sangria
Swinging
Wrist bands
Afros
Bert Convey
Candy cigarettes
Cigarettes
Billy beer
Omni Magazine
Atari
The Gong show
Battle of the network stars

Things that were more popular in the 70’s

Bands I saw at Six Flags (usually by myself) or Cipher in the sun

2006-04-12T10:34:00.000-05:00

In the 80’s bands who were doing reasonably well would play at Six Flags, which struck me as odd. I mean it’s one thing for a washed up nostalgia act to play the festival circuit, but some of these acts were hot in the charts at the time they shouted ‘how are those pink things tastin’ Dallas! How ya doing? Been riding that Shock Wave or what?

Cheap Trick- Bordering on nostalgia act at the time, but within a year or two they would strike gold with the flame.

Howard Jones-huge at the time, that green record was taking off. This was the first show where I was annoyed by the artist’s politics. The T-shirts said ‘love animals don’t eat them’ and I remember thinking ‘isn’t this supposed to be a new wave show? Why are you such a downer dude?

Huey Lewis and the news-massive I want a new drug was a massive (and awful hit) If this is it, heart of rock and roll etc…..can’t think why the hell I was there, as I hated those songs.

Billy Idol-Rebel Yell was so blowing up, even Eyes without a face was getting lots of airplay.

Super

2006-02-21T19:54:00.000-06:00

One of the worst things about the corporate world is the wretched requirement that everything have a phony positive spin on it. All the office sycophants use senseless upbeatisms all day, and it’s draining my life force. How else can you explain some of the things you hear people say around the office.

I work with a guy who says awesome all the time. Someone replaces the toner in the copier..awesome made a new batch of coffee awesome!

I don’t mean to be a dick, but I don’t want to live in a world where new toner is awe inspiring.

I’m guilty of it too, occasionally I catch myself saying great at news that is simply good, or maybe even as expected. In fact I will try and stop saying great at all in the work place. Tell ya what, we cure cancer, and I’ll say great! If I see Aurora Borealis I’ll say awesome! Short of something of that ilk, I’m sticking with as expected, or good.

Face it, it’s not a good practice. We lie to each other all day about the awesomeness of it all, and next thing you know the board is reporting awesome! to the shareholders when what the really mean is just okay. Next thing you know it’s Enron!

But.. but.. Ken Lay said it was all good, awesome even.

Speaking of phony, is it me or is that new Outback steakhouse guy a real tool? He sounds like he’s doing a fake Aussie accent…a real fayekahh.

Tonight my much maligned viewing habits will clash, Sasha Cohen or the American Idol women….Tivo help me.

America eff yeah

2006-02-09T14:29:00.000-06:00

There is no question that preventing the attack on LA represents some good work by all involved. Bush’s motive for declassifying the documents and talking about it now couldn’t be more transparent. I have to break the law, it’s for your own good. But lest we forget the would-be attack on Seattle back in 2001, that was successfully thwarted 9 months before 9/11. Somehow without the aid of questionable wire taps, and well marketed civil liberties erosions, we were still able to have some success. Were we doing enough? Doubtful or 9-11 wouldn’t have happened…or would it? That’s the trouble with a free society, it’s hard to keep people from blowing themselves up without taking away freedom. I’d like to see an overall more cohesive effort than we had pre-9/11, but one that stops short of illegal wiretaps.

My point? I don’t have one really. Just hoping we understand the context of this new information, and remember what we’re fighting for. Freedom isn’t free, and that’s why I don’t want to give it away.

Wood chips and roses and whiskers on kittens

2006-02-01T18:16:00.000-06:00

After Bush mentioned switchgrass last night, I’ve been giggling all day just imagining the President saying different types of alternative fuels. In my head all day the fake W has been saying feskew

Maybe we could come up with a car that burns Indian gum, or milk weed, hell how about skunk weed, whatever works, but it needs to be bi-partisan. All plants are on the table.

This tickles me for some reason.

I wanna Tag that Axe

2006-02-01T09:24:00.000-06:00

Dudes at my gym love body spray. Who am I to talk if I drop the soap in the shower at home it’s like shampoo bowling.

We are addicted to oil..and I’m your pusherman. It’s funny hearing an oil man, erm okay the son of an oil man talking about how we are a nation addicted to oil.

Things you hear much more often in cartoons than in real life;
Splendid
Silence!
Seize him!
Not so fast

Hi America

2006-01-31T17:00:00.000-06:00

Will Bush preempt American Idol tonight?

Hey ya’ll, I know yer fixin’ ta watch ya some Clay Atkins…but first I’d like to say a few words.

It would be so worth it if we could hear from Randy, Paula, and Simon afterwards.

Dawg you my boy ya know that, but I wasn’t feelin’ that tonight. You were ptichy when you started talking about victory in Iraq. And it’s nuclear..like new clear…not noo que lurr

Seeing Ken Lay go in to court makes me long for a good Jack Ruby moment.

Even though Exxon’s profit set a US corporate record, we are reminded that it wasn’t really that much money.

(the following unfunny joke is on a 3rd grade level, you’ve been warned)
Kraft is laying off 5000 workers. No word yet as to whether the cuts will be in their meat packing facilities, or if they will only be cutting the cheese.

I give up

to whom it may concern, happy holidays

2006-01-30T17:42:00.000-06:00

Did you receive a press release holiday letter this year? You know the ones, they read like a year end recap of family events, and they are not written specifically to any one person or family. It’s all very broad, and all encompassing.

Little Timmy’s gone to medical school in Mexico city, wow time flies huh…..Of course it hasn’t all been good news, Tom’s been out of work for going on three months now, but he makes the most wonderful marmalade, and tries to keep busy. We lost Gracie in August, but that old dog’s time had come, can’t believe she made it 17!!!!! She will sure be missed.

Have you received this letter? Do you send this letter? My family always gets them from people we don’t really know very well. My mother would often read it out loud (cause otherwise we would never read it) and we would all look at each other and say who? with each name. My mom would stop periodically and say ‘ oh yeah you remember Cary, she’s Skip’s oldest…. And we would Wonder who Skip is.

I think with email, the press release holiday letter is a dying breed. You remember the holiday press release..sure you do..Cary, Skip’s oldest, would always send them to us.

half baked ideas, loose facts, and my satellite radio

2006-01-30T17:27:00.000-06:00

And now you know why Oprah doesn’t endorse my blogage.

I love my Sirius radio, and yes I like the Stern show. You can say what you want, but it is often funny, and it’s interesting to hear a show that’s truly free to say whatever they want. The show can be profane, and at times pornographic, and if that’s not your brand of vodka, I understand. In the spirit of Lenny Bruce, and the late great Bill Hicks I embrace the pornographic and the profane, because braver men than me have given their lives for such freedom. If Stern starts on something I don’t approve of, or don’t enjoy, I simply turn to another channel.

Richard Ashcroft comes out growling on the first track of his new cd, it’s so very Neil Diamond. In fact listening to both releases you would at times wonder which is which. I mean this as praise, it sounds good…seriously.

Are you getting much out of your pinky toe? I’m thinking we may be evolving away from that one. Intelligent designed obsolescence if you prefer.

I’m as shocked as anyone when I swish.

Whenever I hear Filibuster, I think it’s a sandwich a DQ. This is a thought I imagine W shares. Yes George, and if you’re good, a butterscotch dilly bar for desert.

Exxon announces record profits, even higher than Wall street predicted. Don’t be surprised when W mentions ‘alternatives’ in his speech this week. Even a good ol’ oil man can’t hold on to this dinosaur anymore. And Georgie’s handlers are too savvy to let this pass.

There is debate about whether our involvement in Iraq is making new terrorists. I say how can there be any doubt? You mean to tell me that every Iraqi involved in the placement and detonation of IEDs would be doing such things anyway? Bush himself said 30K Iraq civilians have been killed, and the loss of loved ones might be a strong motivation don’t ya think? That and tanks rolling down your street. And is it really democracy we want? When the Palestinians freely elected the wrong party, we didn’t seem to like it. What if Iraq elects to keep tribal justice etc. What if they freely choose these things? We need to be okay with that right? I think the popular assumption that people, given a choice will choose as we have chosen is wrong. Shit! I sound like a Neil Peart lyric. Lately with all of you ready to give up the very freedoms we’ve fought for, just for the promise of safety from terror, I wonder if we would even make the same choices if faced with them again. Would we have the balls to stand up to the Brits, commit treason, and risk our lives to form a new country? No effin’ way, we’d have magnetic union jack ribbons and call anyone who didn’t an unpatriotic liberal.

I hate it when news agencies refer to it as the terrorist network, it sounds like a channel. Coming up after the break, more footage of us training on monkey bars in the desert.
And later, we look at the South Beach diet.

Lastly no meal replacement protein bar tastes good, okay let’s get that straight right away, there are simply varying degrees of badness.

distance

2006-01-26T18:15:00.000-06:00

“I don’t see how you can be a partner in peace if you advocate the destruction of a country as part of your platform”- Bush 1-26-06

That’s hilarious!!! Whatever Chief, it worked for you.

This week Bush was asked if he’d seen Brokeback Mountain, and before he answered there was this long and awkward pause.

What do you suppose he was thinking about? How his base is the American Taliban, and is largely homophobic, and to talk about a ‘gay’ film would look bad. It’s funny you didn’t have to be a boxer to go see Cinderella man (masochist maybe, but I digress) so why is Brokeback a ‘gay’ film.

you don't have to have a warrant baby, to listen to my my my my my calls

2006-01-24T18:10:00.000-06:00

There just aren’t enough fucking magnetic ribbons are there?

Since Google is a bunch of commies and won’t sell us out to the man, I will step up and prove I’m the best American ever. I will offer my daily Google searches without a warrant, since we now see those as so unpatriotic.

Trust us, we only break the law to go after bad people. If you haven’t done anything wrong you have nothing to worry about…..right?

1-24 Google searches

Kiss album covers
Scarlett Johansson
Boobies
Scarlett Johansson’s boobies
Water skiing squirrel porn
Original Iron man comics
The 9 rings of the WU
Pharmaceutical grade penis balm
Magnetic ribbons
Denver Broncos choke job
Denver Broncos Cheerleaders
Who moved my cheese for dummies
The 79 virgins you meet in heaven

stay fly

2006-01-20T18:53:00.000-06:00

Somewhere in a conference room not too long ago, some dorks with no sense of humor dreamed up the awful Pepsi machine ad campaign. These are people who are not creative, and don’t have the ability to self edit out all the dumb ideas.

“it’s genius! We can follow the arc of the Pepsi machine, through the trials and tribulations of the NFL season, and we can do lame bits all the way to the Super Bowl!!!
“I like it I love it I want some more of it!
‘That is a home run alright….now let’s go play golf some more haw haw’

These people are artless, and possibly soulless fucks who should be shot.

Besides the effin machine plays for the patsies, and they are out….so it’s over Johnny.

In other news..Beating up homeless? C’mon already….is it not enough that they are homeless? This really saddens me. As does the tragic passing of the great Wilson Pickett.

Listen to a wicked Wilson Pickett record and you’ll understand.

Karl Rove says Dems are thinking ‘pre 9-11’ And that we should be okay with warrantless wiretaps, and google strip searches. Here’s the trouble Karl, you cats are thinking pre-1776 with the way you wanna erm roll back our rights. Marketing your tactics with cleaver names like ‘the patriot act’ (vote against it, and you are unpatriotic?) doesn’t change the reality that you are doing more to destroy what this country was founded on, than Osama could ever hope to. Damn right we’re not un-patroitic Karl, and don’t forget it. We choose not to over simplify it all into evil doers talk. How about internment camps Karl? Would that help? Cause you know em when ya see em, doncha?

Ryan Seacrest-Now there’s a talent.

Boinking with the stars

2006-01-12T19:46:00.000-06:00

Did the Greg Kihn band stop because they ran out of Kihn rhymes? It’s a pity they never got to Kihntankerous.

I’m so happy the Spin Doctors went away. James Henderson said they sounded like Huey Lewis, which made me giggle.

In the 80’s bands could always plug in a series of whoas to replace lyrics. If you were unable to match the lyrical genius of Sunglasses at night, you could always reach for the whoa card. Whoa wah whoa ao aoh ohhhh in the words of Howard Jones, or Whooooo oh! Living on a prayer.

Worst James Bond assassination attempt is in “Live and let Die’ when Roger Moore is stalked by a disinterested looking snake, that ‘hides’ behind the curtain and then slowly moves towards him. Oh the terror, of the bored snake attack.

Hey kids! Write your own CSI type cop show! Feel free to insert the following smart ass phrases for the cocky detectives to use at crime scenes.

Person over doses “life of the party’
Missing limbs “where’s the beef”

“what would you do for a Klondike bar”
“feets don’t fail me now”

The possibilities are endless, and these cocky crime shows are all hits. So make money and have fun.

I bought some ready to eat pudding that requires no refrigeration, and doesn’t expire for 13 months. Does that sound healthy? Can it really be that far removed from plastic in it’s makeup? A slight change in the chemical makeup, and a dash of yellow # 5, and you gotcha a big wheel.

I thought the FDA eased the prescription drug advertising restrictions so we wouldn’t have to hear all the unpleasant sounding side effects listed off. Apparently not, because I can’t get through a show without talk of diarrhea, muscle pain, and erectile dysfunction.

Eating club or Warrantless and the wire taps

2006-01-11T18:14:00.000-06:00

These Alito hearings are mind numbingly dull. Makes me wanna smash stuff up, and start a revolution. Let’s rage against the personality-less. Does it always come down to Roe V Wade…it does doesn’t it.

Least interesting trend in the NFL this year? The surprise pooch punt. Effective? Often, strategically sound? Perhaps…but interesting? Meh

Second least interesting trend? Firing coaches.

At my gym they have all the so-called news networks on, and it’s amazing how much play all the big fear stories are getting. Natalie Hollaway, the cruise ship murder, and Laci Peterson are all getting lots of play. In each of these cases someone is always speaking out, calling for justice, or telling their story…finally. These shows make you paranoid, but they shouldn’t. If after all these months we are still talking Laci, then maybe the world isn’t so dangerous after all. I find it all terribly depressing, and fail to see how it’s really news.

I noticed a lot of the little girl recording…erm artists have real rockin’ looking videos with a backing band aging against the machine real hard. The look says rock, but the sound says junior high. I blame Avril Levine, since she came along all the children singers have to try and look credible. They look rawk!!! But they sound junior high.

That tool Aaron Carter has a song that is such a rip off of Nelly’s ‘Ride with me’ that it’s embarrassing to hear.

play, again

2006-01-03T18:28:00.000-06:00

Drink Coke

Play again

This is what the cap said…hmmm play again……there is no accidental implication here is there? Soft drinks sell youth, they sell dreams, or an ideal. And this cap is meant to stay on message. It could say ‘sorry this is not a winner’ or ‘sorry YOU are not a winner’ but that would deviate from the message. Nope, the Don’t worry be happy rhythm of this cap is intentional all the way. Yearn for your lost childhood, when you would play for hours without a care in the world? Drink Coke…play again…live again

We live in an age when nothing is left to chance, the mustard gun at McDonalds fires a set amount, the salad bowl at Olive garden has a certain number of olives depending on the number in your party and on down the line.

So the sorry you lose message has now become the promise of a dream.

On Monday I saw a dog get struck by a car. This was traumatic, and I will not detail it here. But it got me thinking, we owe the domesticated animal as much love and respect as we can muster. The domesticated animal can rightly say to us…’you got me into this!

These critters have no natural habitat, and therefore must rely on us to try and do right by them. It’s not their fault that they are doomed to a life of sexless carpeted suburbia…oh wait I’ve met that same sorry fate, but mine was not forced upon me, and I may still escape.

Once as a child I saw a dog struck, and in a way I was at fault. The dog had run towards me, and when I bent down to try and pet it, it spooked and ran into the street under a car. My mom witnessed this, and a few days later told me that she had ‘talked to the owner and the dog was ok’ even in the second grade I knew this was a lie. I figured my mom went to extremes to assure me it wasn’t my fault, so maybe it wasn’t and I let it go.

I hate it when cashiers comment on what I’m buying. New Year’s eve I’m in Target buying standard issue guys stuff, razor blades etc. Aveeno (okay not all guy stuff but still) And the cashier says ‘you’re really gonna party tonight huh?) Okay it was early (8ish) and it’s not like I was buying a dungeons and dragons game module here. Could after shave not lead to romantic closeness like on the commercial? Why am I a loser for buying needed toiletries? I should’ve replied with something mean like ‘not as much fun as you’re gonna have…working at Target on effing new year’s mother fucking eve!!!!!

My point is this, don’t assume I’m a loser….let me show you in time.

Be nice to animals

Play again

strike free since 2004

2005-12-23T14:16:00.000-06:00

It’s in the air you can almost taste it…yep people are being driven insane by their relatives.

I get a giggle when Rumsfeld uses the term ‘evolved’ when describing conditions in Iraq. Hey man that’s like your theory okay, I prefer to think of things in Iraq as intelligent designing thank you very much.

Oh and eff Burl Ives.

Here’s a beef;

Don’t delay answering your phone so that we can all bask in the glory of your ring tone dig?

Yeah it’s Freebird we get it, now answer it and eff off.

I’m this happy so you don’t have to be.

bam humbug doesn't even scratch the surface

2005-12-21T08:17:00.000-06:00

There’s an article in the paper today about how women, on average start holiday shopping earlier than men.

Really? Men procrastinate shopping? I’ll let you in on a little secret….Cause we effin’ hate it!!!

We are bombarded with diamond commercials, and sexy underwear ads. The game doesn’t offer much of a reprieve, as five minutes into an NFL game you are reminded that a truly special gift requires a second mortgage.

Here’s a tip ladies, it’s not a problem that you don’t look like Tyra Banks. The problem is that when I buy you Victoria’s secret stuff that you never wear, I feel even worse about our so-called relationship. So while every kiss may indeed begin with K, and a big bow on a Lexus is irresistible (thought I’ve never understood how a spouse can really give a car, isn’t it our money?) The fact is most of us guys are just hoping to get to new year’s day without drowning in debt or blowing our brains out.

So you’ll forgive me if I start shopping on December 24th, and drink to forget on New year’s eve.

Lastly I know I’m not Brad Pitt, but I am in the gym nearly everyday working on it. So maybe next year I’ll finally get my Lexus.

Comrades, comrades please....

2005-12-20T17:37:00.000-06:00

Not only is freedom not free, it no longer exists as we knew it.

No effing wonder we don't have Osama, we are busy spying on PETA. And you thought the example in Farenheit was extreme....

the spy who loved me

2005-12-17T14:38:00.000-06:00

Warrants? We don’t have to show you any warrants, we don’t need no stinkin’ warrants!

Kremlin or white house?

It just keeps getting better for Bush. I hope we’re doing a better job of spreading democracy and defending freedom in Iraq than we are here in the US.

Robots for atmosphere

2005-12-16T10:21:00.000-06:00

One of the many indignities of working at Chuck E Cheese was being subjected to Pasqually talk. Pasqually was a robot chef who spoke with a stereo typical Italian accent. You know ‘I want ah pizzah pie ah’ it’s like to clicks removed from Sesame street’s the Count. Well in a given shift you would hear the same three or four phrases a hundred times or more. Several of us employees would drive each other insane with Pasqually talk. ‘I gotta bus ah da tables fucker’ As time went on the my inner Pasqually started working dark “I’m ah gonna drink ah all ah da beer, and empty outta da register”

By the way, best thing about working at a place with beer on tap? Drinking beer.

word

2005-12-15T11:10:00.000-06:00

Do you stand in line, or online? The answer seems to depend on what part of the country you call home. When I go to the DMV I stand in line and wait, some people say they stand on line and wait. For me online is the internet.

Or perhaps you que.

2005-12-14T15:45:00.000-06:00

'and you're already looking for another fool like me'-Elvis Costello

I'm losing the will to continue

2005-12-14T08:15:00.000-06:00

I suppose the role my blogs serve, is to point out just how half empty the glass is. Or as Bart Simpson said ‘Can’t win don’t try’

What is the effin’ point of the white elephant gift exchange? Let’s make everyone at work go drop ten bucks on a gag gift for no one in particular, and then we’ll exchange them so each of us winds up with a piece of garbage.

Whenever you try and opt out of these compulsory ‘activities’ you are the asshole. What a time waste. I don’t mind kicking in my share, but I hate stupid shit and this qualifies.

Oh and eff pot luck too. I’m not cooking for you clowns, and certainly there are some of you who’s food I wouldn’t trust. I just know too much about your habits.

Coworkers pot luck is commin’ to town (trad. arrangement)

I know you don’t flush the urinal
I know you pick your nose
I know that you’ve been foul all day
So forgive me if I don’t eat your food…

Ohhhhhhh eff it.

I’m ragin’ full on scrooge.

Orally fixated

2005-12-09T23:05:00.000-06:00

I bought a new toothbrush at Target, the Oral B Pulsar it’s called. When I first turned it on, I was taken aback at the ooomph this thing has. It’s a vibrator with bristles. I don’t know if my teeth are any cleaner, but it feels great on my clitoris.

Why is cherry juice so expensive?

Clinique for men let me down, I got a nice zit just in time for the office Christmas party. I prefer to think of it as an ornament, at least it will match my shirt.

Once again

2005-12-09T10:13:00.000-06:00

We do not torture. We outsource that.

semantics, euphemisms, and other corp fun (the musical)

2005-12-08T15:37:00.000-06:00

You say 'be cost conscious when it comes to healthcare' I say 'skip needed care'
You say 'Victory' and I say 'quagmire'
You say 'interrogate' and I see pictures of torture.
You say 'restructure' and I say 'firing people'

Let's call the whole thing off

This blog needs a good honor killing.

Ice day

2005-12-08T10:14:00.000-06:00

Who am I?
Nobody knows but me
Nobody knows but me
Who am I?
Nobody else can see
Just you and me
Who are we
Oh my love oh my love-John Lennon

On this icy day when many people are at home, it's important to remember the wisdom of the Greek liquor store owners.

'It's better to work.... you don't work you spend your money, you chase women... it's just better to go to work'

So here I am

Freedom isn't for everyone

2005-12-07T18:06:00.000-06:00

This isn't a well informed position, and it's probably not a popular one, but I don't think freedom is for everyone.

In Iraq they still have tribal 'honor killings' and the whole tribe is okay with that.

These tribes believe that if a woman has sex out of marriage or is raped that it brings shame to the family. So much shame that a woman who has been raped will be shot and killed by her own effin' family!!!

WTF!

Where do you even start with that shit?

Nope Mickey D's may not be for everyone.

Christmas

2005-12-07T10:46:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty sure it started to suck as soon as I got a job.

Traffic, expense, and in-laws oh my....

We don't torture

2005-12-07T09:49:00.000-06:00

At least we don't call it that.

if you can read this

2005-12-07T09:13:00.000-06:00

I prolly owe you email, phone call or money. I havent forgotten...promise. Work with me, I'm working my arse off these days.

Do you suffer from sweater elbow? my elbows get irritated by the sweater, and yes I mosturize like a mofo.

What was worse Beatle mania or Stars on 45?

Office Biohazard

2005-12-02T12:13:00.000-06:00

What's worse, the smell of burned microwave popcorn, or the smell of singed coffee?

Walk with me out on the wire

2005-11-30T21:52:00.000-06:00

I had a reaction to a supplement tonight, and it freaked me out. If only for a moment I thought I was going to die. I turned bright red on my face and ears at first, and then slowly it went down my body as my blood pumped it down 6 feet of form. Pounding throbbing bright red and tingly like a massive an instantaneous sunburn. Up jumped the devil red as you like.

I thought about my father. How his head hit the pavement so hard, he was out cold when he fell and had no chance to brace himself. 50 year old man dies in a few seconds walking across a parking lot...just like that.

It only takes 4 seconds to hit the water when you jump off the Golden Gate bridge. Approx speed is 75 mph. Slim chance of survival if you hit feet first, and at an angle (straight and you drown before you can surface)

I would rather jump than die of a vitamin complication on a carpet in suburbia.

Would you jump if you knew it was over? Would my father have jumped that day if he knew he was about to drop dead? Would you take your cell? Leave a note?

At the moment I'm glad to be alive, but always aware of death.

Yep death and impermanence....

Hey if I don't see ya happy effin' holidays.

PS Lifetime Fitness is soooo worth it

Who's with me?!

2005-11-30T08:38:00.000-06:00

Bush loves to talk about Iraq at military bases. (lest there be any protestors on hand)

It's like taking your case for legalization to the people, but only speaking at Grateful Dead shows.

so much going on these days, forget about instinct that's not what pays

2005-11-04T08:12:00.000-06:00

There are a few signs in my neighborhood encouraging you to vote for Prop 2. The signs feature the equation marriage = a man + a woman. To me this is silly, you might as well have a sign that says ‘Ice cream = vanilla & chocolate, vote no to strawberry letter 23’

I know I’ve ranted on this a million times, but now that it’s on the ballot I gotta go again.

If you don’t believe in gay marriage don’t have one.

How would it feel to find your soul mate, and find that the law prohibits your marriage? Consenting adults should be free to choose for themselves, don’t you think?

Remember liberty? Some of our grandfathers fought and died for it, and while it’s a bit out of fashion at the moment I think it’s still worth voting for.

How can this be viewed as anything other than homophobic and in a way sexist?

Whatever your thoughts on gay people or marriage, remember consenting adults should have equal rights.

Do the right thing Texas.

Alito

2005-10-31T19:59:00.000-06:00

There is no truth to the rumour that I'm writing a parody song to the tune of 'lido shuffle' by Boz Scaggs....a vicious rumour started by those who would paint me as a third rate weird Al.

punkin

2005-10-31T19:52:00.000-06:00

Okay why the hell hasn't anyone kicked the my pumpkins yet? Kids today.... I put those out to be destroyed, if they aren't smashed by sun up I'll be bummed.

Best thing you ever got in your bag?

The worst was half a stick of butter (unwrapped) which made every thing greasy.

Best? Fuckin' Snickers man.

Did you ever use a pillow case? In my neighborhodd that was how you knew who the real serious players were. The pillow case started the evening with eggs and shaving cream, and ended with a whole mess of candy and or butter.

Next year Land O' Lakes for all.

Ahses to ahses

2005-10-30T08:41:00.000-06:00

The pain of the playoff loss had not settled in yet.
I woke up Sunday morning feeling sad and defeated.
Hoping to commiserate I clicked on Inferno.net
…….bandwidth exceeded.

black and colour

2005-10-30T00:08:00.000-05:00

Quick how many shows can you think of that ran in black and white and later in color?

Gomer Pyle
Beverly Hillbillies
Lost in space
Avengers

Your turn.

Libby's Libby's Libby's

2005-10-29T00:24:00.000-05:00

What a week! 'Hey I like your shades'

'I just can't find the time to write my mind the way I want it to read' - Wilco

All I do is work, and tonight it shows.

Here's a happy thought we don't see 1-800 collect commercials anymore!

What's the worst Billy Joel song? Bigshot?

I don't listen to music, not like I used to, I don't see friends, or blog. Netflix stack up high, and books higher. I work and and work some more I feel my creativity slip away, and the smile is gone from my face....but hey I got promoted! Same job, but better title, and more money. Sadly the hours will remain inexorable.

I hope I see you on the other side.

Argybargy

2005-10-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

My mind is not on Condi's Iraq timetable, or even the feminization of fish and amphibians due to prescription estrogen levels in fresh water. No, my mind is on other stuff, like why I found out from the temp agency that my employee is taking the rest of this week off, and he didn't mention it.

Or how growing up I ate a lot of bacon, but almost no scrapple. Or how I've completely reversed field on diet sodas (I love em as long as they're caffeine free)

Or how my Friend was born in 1976, the very same year I sold these awful bicentennial liberty bells in support of cub scouts (my parents never held the office for ransom the way my coworkers do) We had to actually sell that shit door to door, this in an age when John Gay and the Zodiac killer were still out there.

I was happy to see the modern graphic novel get some propers in the New Yorker, I feel 1% less dorky.

Why no bloggage lately?

Work 12 hour days
Sleep 7-8 hours
eat 1.5 hours
get ready for work 1 hr (yeah I'm a chick)
exercise/read comics/participate in erotica 1 hr
Miscellany .5 hours

Sucks to be me.

One poor coorespondent

2005-10-17T19:57:00.000-05:00

There is something my cat just doesn't understand. When an unauthorized insect launches a sortie into our air space YOU MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!!!

I'm neither impressed by ringtones of any kind nor how much you can bench.

I've reached the point in life when my son calls me dude.

Super emotional weekend, more that shall not be bloggethed.

I will attempt to be a bit more current on these matters hence forth.

I'd say more but I gotta see a man about a dog

Devil and the deep blue sea behind me, vanish in the air you'll never find me

2005-10-11T13:42:00.000-05:00

Much is changing.

I'm not even renewing magazine subscriptions.

All I do is work.

My weekend was unblogable.

Gotta warn others.....

use the force, get girls

2005-10-03T19:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes this blog writes itself. On Saturday I took the kiddo to the comic store. In walks a goth looking guy and his cute goth girlfriend. He walks up to the counter and asks ‘let me see your light sabers, I’m working on a collection and I’m one short’ A lot’s changed since I was a Star Wars freak, in my time there were no hot girlfriends for us. Pretty much we’d be home playing with our light sabers on a Saturday night.

In sports all my teams lost. While it’s true losers get lucky sometimes, mostly we just lose, that’s why we’re called losers.

Friday night I was home alone, I got out of work too late for my game, and had no backup plan. I missed connections with friends on Sat, and Sun evenings. So Monday was an unwelcome arrival, more so than usual.

Everyone gets pissed when I say Halloween is over-rated, it doesn’t mean I don’t like it, but there can be little debate it’s over-hyped, over-marketed, and over-rated.

I’m gonna go play with my light saber.

2005-10-01T12:04:00.000-05:00

'I don't want you to start playing with that, cuase it's nowhere near my heart'-Feedy Johnston

Party weekend

2005-10-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

While on my morning bike ride, I saw a pile of trash on the side of the road. This was no ordinary pile, this included a stylish silk looking tie, and an empty cigarette box with condom wrappers stuffed in it.

Playing it safe, and yet not so safe.

Party weekend.

click

2005-09-30T22:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the Ipod shuffle picks the perfect song in the perfect moment. Some half forgotten, strange and beautiful song that just feels right. Tonight just such an occurrence happened. Sophie busted out ‘Cause a rockslide’ by Badly Drawn boy, and it seemed very much the right song for the moment. Of course it goes a bit insane towards the end, but don’t we all?

Today’s blog is dedicated to LMB, and RKR.

Wanting out

2005-09-29T20:17:00.000-05:00

I loathe all these dickheads on Survivor. And this bullshit about danger? Whatever Survivor lost credibility when a guy got hurt and the helicopter came to save him. I need to stop watching shows anyway, total waste of time. Some chick on Apprentice looks just like Audrey from last season..wtf?

Is Kylie’s ‘Can’t get you out of my head’ featured in every commercial?

So now that I know matching your socks to your trousers, and your belt to your shoes make rednecks think you’re gay, I realize I’m oft perceived as gay. God forbid you wear a La Coste shirt, forget it.

Oh and by way of an update, the women in my office seem keenly aware of my preference judging from the flirtation level.

I really emotional day, I do all my best cryin’ in the truck. Big changes coming it would seem.

I’m tired of this Employee pricing bullshit, we know better okay so shut it.

Thank God for a new Jamie Cullum album (never thought I’d say that)

‘Nothing I can do’

We were so drunk last night,We had that stupid fight,You called me a useless selfish prick,
So I'm in a fix right now,And we'll measure the truth somehow,
love is a funny thing to me,then you stormed out and grabbed your coat,while slamming shut the door,a ruthless move so cold you left your keys inside the door
Oh...Can Nothing i do make you happy anymore,
nothin' i say put a smile onto your face,can nothing i say bring us back together,
nothing i do put a smile onto your face.

Well Okay..Next day i called you back,and you called me a stupid twat,
and then you were crying on the phone,you sounded so upset,
you said,i wasn't the man you'd met3 years and 7 months agoi pleaded with her take me back,
i'll change my sorry waysso tell me why mysterioulsy im annoyed instead of shamedOhhhCan Nothing i do make you happy anymore,
Can nothin' i say put a smile onto your facenothing i say bring us back togethernothing i say put a smile onto your faceMMmmmm,
YeahhhIm poundering it all after that calli think it is cleari am here, you're from another stratosphere
Oh, now all the things she said they went around my headand come out my ear,and not before long,this stubborn soul thinks his done no wrong.Instrumental
As when the questions flut around my head like butterflies,
my head spins at reflecting on another loves demise,
OhhhhCan
Nothing i do make you happy anymore,nothin' i say put a smile onto your facecan nothing i say bring us back togethernothing i say put a smile onto your face,
Ohhh

Where soul meets body

2005-09-28T19:52:00.000-05:00

‘If the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too’-DCFC

I no longer feel that blogging is an effective way for me to express matters of heart and soul. Besides if I keep real at all, my approval rating would plummet.

I want to make things right, but too often I don’t know how. Right now the wrong thing feels right, and the right thing feels so wrong.

So in other news it turns out my whole office thought I was gay!! Number one reason given ‘he dresses nice’

Since when did knowing shit from shinola equate to homosexuality? I’m not gay, but I’m cool with people who are…for the record.

Memo to all employees;

I’m not gay, so stop asking

R

I don't want a pickle I just wanna rid on my motorsickle

2005-09-25T08:40:00.000-05:00

Once I ordered a case of pickles from Corsicana TX, I liked them, but in truth a case may be too many.

I have a po box, not a regular po box mind, but one of those postal center thingys. This way they can sign for my packages and whatnot. A couple years ago I found out about a service that provides free magazines to business. I have a po box, so why not make up a couple of fake DBA names, and show me the Entertainment Weekly!
So I set up a few companies under the name Championship. (in a nod to author Nick Hornby) Included in the championship family of companies was a video store. Since the type of free magazines you received was in part contingent upon the type of business you had, video store seemed a shrewd move. Well in reality all it brought me was a weekly video store trade mag (which is nice when updated one's Netflix list) and little else. Oh and one other thing...porn...well sort of..these random (and surprisingly un-erotic) porn post cards promoting upcoming releases and toys and stuff.
So the people who work at my postal center must have the wrong idea about me.

I'm not porn guy, I'm fake businesses under false pretense guy!...erm...nevermind.
Sorry if this blog has been too negative latley, it could be the pickles.

the older you get the less you know

2005-09-21T13:17:00.000-05:00

Today's blog is mailbox inspired.

Since some of you are young, here's what I know to b e true. The devil is not red as Wilco sing. Nope the devil is surprisingly corporate looking. He comes in envelopes that say 0 % interest for 6 months (and a right fisting after)

The devil will try to convince you that style and grace are for sale at Nordstrom, and Versace, coach, and Gucci make the man.

The truth is there is no pleasure today that is worth the price you'll pay.

Charge nothing, live free.

Of course you need a card for emergencies, air fare and car repairs etc. Otherwise keep it in your pants.

These are the truest words I can offer.

I love you more than bunnies

2005-09-20T20:13:00.000-05:00

My sister's son really looks up to his older cousin (my son) on Saturday he said 'i love you more than bunnies' to him

that was effin' sweet.

no diving

2005-09-20T19:42:00.000-05:00

If I get a shirt back without a button it pisses me off. Replace the button, you knocked it off, no biggie there are spares on the tail of the shirt. I don’t like finding one missing on a freshie. It’s posh enough to pay someone to launder you shirts, but to also have to point out the button?..c’mon

Demi looks great in the Versace ads, as did Madge before her.

The 13 point lead in the NFL is the very definition of a false sense of security. You are one play away from trouble, we’ve seen it time and again.

Congratulations, you’ve just read the shallowest blog in history.

it is the night my body's weak

2005-09-19T19:40:00.000-05:00

Our parent company plays the same couple of songs on hold

Ride like the wind & Bettie Davis eyes

All the time. WTF? In this day of niche marketing, there must be a reason, there’s always a reason. Nothing is left to chance. People who have their asses whipped by Kim Carnes are 8% more likely to stay on hold, and 3% less likely to shoot up the office (in my case the +/- is actually about 5%) Perhaps these songs reduce the likelihood of leaving leftovers in the fridge for months on end.

‘And I’ve got such a long way to go…

‘She’ll turn the music on you…

All I know is all the boys think she’s a spaz

old days

2005-09-19T19:32:00.000-05:00

It’s easy to feel old, when you are..well effin’ old dude.

My teammate Amy is 18, and I literally have lp records older than her. Not old records mind, but records I bought when they came out, and I still think of as current in some way.

The Police Synchronicity
Peter Gabriel So

In truth, there are tons.

I’d say I’m old school, but that’s denial. I wore Chuck Taylor’s before Amy was born. In my day surfing porn meant the back room at Half price books, before they got all corporate and stopped having Playboy in the periodical section.

Okay I’m in danger of sounding like one of those emails your mom would forward, so I’ll shut it.

Anyway, the good news is the kids are alright, I feel good about the next generation. They are smart, and cool, and I adore them.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll listen to Bob Dylan and enjoy a plain Hersey bar.

New job blues

2005-09-19T19:19:00.000-05:00

Wrote a song about it, like to hear it? here it go...

I go in at 7:30 and get home around 7 or 7:30

I'm sapped of any and all creativity. My muse has suffocated in the hermetically sealed soulless chamber of cubes.

but hey charge it to the game right?

Waiting for the sun

2005-09-18T17:26:00.000-05:00

Thank you ..if you only knew

Can't sleep

2005-09-18T04:24:00.000-05:00

I fell asleep while reading at 8 freaking 30, and now it's 4 and I'm wide awake.

Everything I've ever done in life has led me to this moment. This sleepless, worry filled. and pointless moment.

for you wherever you are

2005-09-17T01:11:00.000-05:00

Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I’m too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you’re on my mind so you never know
When I’m broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed itWhere are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his funAnd much too blind to see the damage he’s done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one
So I’ll wait for you... and I’ll burnWill I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should’ve come over’cause it’s not too lateLonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come
It’s never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It’s never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It’s never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughterIt’s never over, she’s the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
Well maybe I’m just too young
To keep good love from going wrong
Oh... lover, you should’ve come over’cause it’s not too late
Well I feel too young to hold onAnd I’m much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I’ve done
Sweet lover, you should’ve come over
Oh, love well I’m waiting for you
Lover, you should’ve come over’cause it’s not too late
Jeff Buckley

You'll pay

2005-09-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

There's a bank commercial on the radio, that in a very self serving way talks about how they have waived all credit card and mortgage payments (for now) of anyone in the region effected by the hurricane. How exactly a person who lost everything including their home& job would make a house payment is beside the point. It sounds nice enough until the very end when the little disclaimer voice says 'interest will continue to accrue during the deferred period'

Nice! We will still be screwing you, even as you sleep in the Astro dome.

Couldn't waive that interest for a few months huh? Sweet. This does not surprise me, but the fact that they would advertise it does.

blame

2005-09-15T19:32:00.000-05:00

So the Feds slow response was Bush's fault.

Feel better?

It's certainly refreshing to hear a public figure accept even partial responsibility for anything, I can't help feeling somewhat cynical. What's the angle? Why take responsibility for something that you had little to do with, when you insist on sticking by your Iraq idea.

Probably just a ploy to keep Iraq of the front page for another day. I fear there will never be enough other news to make that one go away.

Grasping is moosey

2005-09-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

I like to watch survivor..sorry it's true. This isn't the same thing as thinking it's good, but in the eyes of the network and advertisers it's no matter. In... erm reality, I like to see who I find the most loathsome, and make fun of everyone. This season is off to a good start, we have cute girl who's a big Chiefs fan, and a former NFL QB who's worried about being recognized. It's funny cause the guy was one of the most forgettable NFL players ever. And those are the players I like.

I suppose I'm just happy to be home by 7 tonight.

Greek advice

2005-09-13T19:12:00.000-05:00

Back when I worked at Sound Warehouse, I would often get advice from the Greek guys who ran the beer store next door. The best advice they ever gave was simply 'go to work, if you don't work you spend your money, you chase women....it's better to go to work'

This was the best advice ever. It was basically the Greek beer store version of 'the devil will find work for idle hands' but because it had money and women it caught my attention more fully.

So on Monday when I worked over 11 hours and today when I worked nearly 12, I take heart in the knowledge that I didn't have time to spend or chase.

Forgive me blogging community, I know it's not much.

Nuthin'

2005-09-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

I worked 11 hours today, and none of it was noteworthy. I'm gonna be pretty busy the next week or so.

Some people are taking their teams too seriously.

Some bitch got in my teammates face on Friday, WTF? we are in a low level coed league, and this bitch is talking all animated and ghetto like it's the Springer show. People are silly.

There was lots of drama this weekend..I blame myself.

Are you ready for some asswhip

2005-09-09T06:59:00.000-05:00

Are we really going to have to hear that same Tim McGraw song every week? It doesn't help that it will have different NFL themed lyrics each time.

'I like Favre I love Favre I want some more of Favre'

Tim's a bit slick for my tastes, and I have heard some of his songs that I didn't hate, but that one is brutal. Who are these people sitting in focus groups and telling ABC that we like bad country songs with special NFL lyrics? WTF?

All my rowdy friends can suck it.

One

2005-09-08T19:52:00.000-05:00

I hate the morbidity (possible word invention there) of the body count. If you lose someone you care about, it doesn't matter what the count was, one was enough.

I refuse to lose sight of the real human cost (perhaps on a more personal level) of this modern day Pompeii.

If it had been your grandfather in the nursing home, there's really only one of those 25,000 body bags that matters.

I regret making a joke or two in the first days of the hurricane, but honestly we had no idea.

Be good to each other, cause we are guaranteed nothing.

Bombs away

2005-09-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

I just had a bomb dropped on me.

I took this job in part because I liked my would be boss, and since he'd been there for 4 years (stability by modern corporate standards) I liked coming into an established setting.

So today on my 8th day with the company, he announces his resignation as he's accepted a job in Austin. I have two weeks to learn it all, not only my job, but his as well...go!

This could very easily be good news as I will have an inside track at a serious promotion in record time, but the downside is this will be nuts for a while.

Crash

2005-09-07T18:53:00.000-05:00

I liked the movie crash, you have to suspend disbelief pretty hard, but it's good. Nowadays so many movies are predictable, or based on a crappy TV show, that it's refreshing to not know where you are going with a film.

Note to self

2005-09-06T19:01:00.000-05:00

they are called Snackwells, not eat-them-all-in-one-sittingwells.

ass

I may have stated the Stones should give it up, but the first track on their new album has given me pause. It's a dirty rocker, that's reminiscent of 'When the whip comes down' and it ain't bad at all. A full review will follow.

It can't be a bad weekend when OU, A& M , and Miami all lose..can it?

USA spanked Mexico to qualify for World cup 2006

FC Dallas continued it's free fall, and there seems to be no end in sight. We were reduced to chanting 'we haven't won in two months'

Isn't there a Nostradamus quatrain about the maritime city?...aw screw it, N just threw a bunch of stuff up against the wall to see what stuck, and then had the rest of time to find a match. I'm gonna try it;

One day the redbird of the desert will be crowned NFC champs

Okay it may take some time.